the morning of that last entry i started crying after writing. i flopped around for a little bit until i saw the unused sage stick sitting in the candle holder. smoke billowed everywhere once lit, and no corner escaped the assault. carefully darting around the smoke detectors, i smudged the whole apartment, trying to think about positivity. i felt better almost immediately. i don't know if it was the different smell distracting me, or the actuality of it all, but a calm overwhelmed me that i had not felt since laying in the white hammock at my parent's house.
i took a bubble bath and put a face mask on. the clay was so drying i could not even smile. feeling a stoic mask on my face was renewal in itself.
i went to work and remained in a shockingly good, even mood until two hours before i got to go home.
my mom came over today. i have been waking up lonelier than ever, missing her, missing my cat. i feel like i am only half of what i should be, but not what i was, because clearly some evolution has taken place. i haven't lost anything, though, and that's just what i keep telling myself to stop thinking about it.
the reality is, i hate this job, i hate this routine and these fucking awful customers who take it personally if i walk away from them to do my job while they're still talking to me. but, i unfortunately feel like i will lose it if i have whole unfettered days to myself like that.
anyways, i am seeing a psychic soon who is supposed to be amazing and maybe i'll learn something new about myself. hopefully she won't tell me that i'm going to die soon or anything like that.
sometimes the feng shui in this room just doesn't feel like a good thing. committing two major faux pas is taboo: i can't see the doorway from my bed, and my "love corner" turned out to be my closet. oops. should i put a little shrine of pictures of happy couples in there? ha-ha.