listening to the knife.
you are like a lung. a lung. a lung. a lung. you're looking for me, but it's not what you see because i've got a twisted personality....
i feel disgusted with myself again. i haven't done anything to better my body or my mind in a month or so. wait, i moved out of my parent's house and i live with my best friend in a duplex. i painted my walls a pea soup avocado green. i have a coral and sage colored rug, and fuschia sheets. a mint green dresser, a grass green antique lamp which was my grandmothers, black and white ornately patterned curtains, a white shelf with elephants and my little enid figurines from ghost world.
mine mine, i i.
got rejected by a girl that i thought was the one for me. she's a "lesbian" but is going to try dating a guy that she just started working with. yeah, i know, you don't have to tell me what this sounds like. i'm frustrated and going in circles.
i'm sick of working and don't want to do anything. i feel myself slipping again and it's at the most inconvenient time. struggling to fit into this lifestyle of independence, where i had to leave my precious cat at home. i feel dead inside without him. i feel dead inside anyway.
i would pay anything to have psoriasis-free skin.
at a friend's birthday tonight, her boyfriend of 4 months sang karaoke and the song was about being in love with her, word for word. i wanted to throw up and cry at the same time, but instead i smiled and squealed like everyone else. what else do you do in these situations? you think you know people you're with, but you don't. i don't believe i could truly express myself to anyone right now without terrifying them.
my dream is to have a significant other there for me, who will hold me and understand without words that i am in a bad place. or a good place. sometimes i am just so tired of talking about everything. giving it more power than it's worth.
but you could have waited...
reunions with old friends are overrated. i have nothing to say, and no strings to tie. it is over. i am a river ran dry.