03.10.08 : 11:40 pm J emailed and said he's been to my workplace four times since we opened and still hasn't seen me. I didn't even suspect he had gone. I think about him a lot and really fucking am in love with him to this day. I just oscillate between indifference and hardcore LOVE for this boy, and I'm sorry I ever stopped feeling it. I've just got to ride it out. It's a good feeling, even though it's probably not mutual; at least I am feeling something positive and not draining or anxious. It does make everyone pale in comparison, though. --------- You know, I'm tired of being so negative. It just clicked to me. People relapse into nostalgic feelings like this long-lost desire and love for this boy because it triggers those fuzzy feelings that make us actually smile upon the day. I want to smile and exude happiness with or without someone there smiling back at me. I am tired of waiting for it to come to me. From now on, every day will be a celebration of the fact that people have loved me, do love me, and will love me. But most of all, I love myself, because I'm here. I'm here and solid and I try. I'm done fighting with myself and anyone else who tries. << >>