still reading emails i shouldn't be.
watched a disturbing episode of a favorite tv show, it made me cry and breathe funny. the issues the future raises with me... i can feel it all coming back. for a while there i was so caught up with work and drama that i didn't focus on the anxiety anymore, but it's back, triggered by anything suggesting change.
how do i deal with the concrete, cold fact that what is now will not be in fifty years.
i know, a lot of people would ask, "why do you even care about what happens fifty years from now? how can you be certain you would even want what you have now..." and the reality is, i don't ever want my house, this land, to be anyone else's. ever.
i'm the person where once they sold the house or the property and moved to the city, they would never, ever take a random drive down the road they once lived on. it would hurt too badly.
so i guess that explains a lot of things. i'll work on it in therapy...... if i ever call her back.