looking behind at my shallow foosteps in the snow...
ice on sidewalks glinting light from streetlamps.
and you, a tall dark figure arising from the other side of the hill. i nervously called out your name to which you responded in the affirmative. i didn't want to walk back down the slippery parts but you made us go that way. four miles round trip walking later, past many lights and crosswalks and cars, we are finished. no more afternoon french toast cuddles and nature special watching while holding hands. everything is shit.
you say you just want your friend back. that *i* set up a system of dependency; you are 'dependent' on me because the coffee you wake up and grind was bought by me in the grinder i bought and pressed in the bodum press i bought and water is boiled by the kettle i bought. half the things you do in a day are possible because of me. and you feel like you can't possibly give back. that you OWE me a lot. that i only give you things because i am expecting a return.
when you said those things i started crying. it wasn't before that when you said so bluntly, "i will never be happy in a relationship." or, "i set this up so that it would be like sledding; i knew i couldn't maintain the intensity that you would come to expect."
no, it was him making me feel guilty for ever having been myself. honestly, my giving self. the sad thing is, we knew so much about eachother before we got into this relationship. and i asked, "why did you even do this, then? knowing you would have guilt, knowing that i have more money than you and more opportunities, like you say?" and the answer was only, "because i wanted you."
i said, "i'll make it easy on you. i'll come over tomorrow while you're at work and take everything of mine so you don't have to look at it. and you don't have to use it and be dependent." and he exasperatedly said, "but that's not what i WANT."
we came to a road that would send us off in different directions. he looked at me, sadly. humiliated in his own confusion. i told him that he needs to change his viewpoints and compromise. look at things differently, otherwise it will be hard to even maintain a friendship. the last words i said were, "i am your friend, if you want it." and walked away. when i looked back, he was still staring. then we left eachother.
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i have a lot to say to him. not out of anger or spite but just observation. he has a lot of issues that i am not cruelly judging, but feel like it is my duty as a friend to tell him about so that maybe one day he can reconcile his feelings and learn to accept love and give love freely. you do deserve love, you are sweet and loyal. should i write a letter?