09.14.06 : 1:40 am i had a dream about jacob this morning. instead of waking up irritated and sad like i usually do when he appears, i was energetic and happy. i think it is because in the dream we got along. in the dream he repeatedly asked, "what did i do?? why did you run away from me?" and i wanted to say, "i never ran away from you. instead, you ran to someone else." but i was too scared. it felt like finally he needed as much of an explanation as i do for it; and it felt somewhat like closure. sometimes i wonder (and god, i'm sick of this) if my incessant thinking and dreaming of him means he is also doing the same for me and if it is just some telepathic vortex we have ourselves sucked into. but in all reality, it probably isn't. ---- i got drunk at a coworker's house and ended up telling her all about my mom's past alcohol abuse and my brother's death. it doesn't feel like i unloaded anything. instead it feels like i just created a cloud of sorrow that will hopefully wash away tomorrow. oh well, at least one more person understands why i am the way i am. sometimes talking about my life makes me feel worse. << >>