i wonder if he ever thinks about me
i blocked everything out.
the mix cds i made him,
the way his voice sounded when we were in bed, holding eachother for the first time at two in the morning
the feeling of his breath on my neck
you almost got to start feeling me
i've been drinking,
and hanging pastel christmas lights around my new bookcase
i light candles and listen to the microphones
wondering why for the past three nights i have had dreams about you
we never held hands.
i wish i had listened to myself, but it was so good for those first few weeks. spending so much time with you. ten hours a day. it feels like a dream now. i'm not exaggerating; i can hardly remember anything we did together. my brain decides for the better, and i made it all go away. fictional. you are a figment of my imagination, because you just hurt me too fucking bad. i feel sad whenever i think about you, so i don't anymore, but dreams don't lie.
it's unfortunate that it doesn't matter how numb i am when i am alone i think about you and everything you showed me for that brief moment, you were a shell that opened and i was let in and i feel like i fucked it up somehow even though i was told it wasn't my fault. told by everyone but you, of course, we haven't talked since the end of may and you still have my shirt. you wear it, i saw pictures, and it makes me wonder if you think about me.
of course i'm talking about jacob.
excerpt from february: last night he said "i am so scared of falling asleep because you won't be able to wake me up. i am so so so relaxed. all of my guards are gone when i'm laying here with you. you turn me to jell-o." and then an hour later we kissed for the first time. his lips are soft, so soft, like pillows. we like to watch zombie movies and laugh and eat and he serves me dinner in bed and he peels oranges for me and always has an unopened water bottle to give to me because we both enjoy our water. he wants to learn how to knit and i will teach him, and he wants to dress up and go test drive cars. i am so excited. i hope this lasts.
i need to move on. i am trying so hard. it's difficult without any closure whatsoever.
