I FEEL RAW and i used to hate using that word but that's what i feel, exposed, vulnerable, a clam without its' shell.
i'm so sensitive it's hard to go out in public places these days. i'm not being over dramatic. the last time i was at a bar besides tonight (and i felt like dying tonight) i had a severe panic attack that made me almost demand to be taken to the hospital. over someone making fun of me who didn't know better. yep. that, and him blowing smoke into my food which made me angry.
someone said, "it seems like you're full of anger slowly building and any bad thing creates an outlet that makes you explode with panic." and i nodded my head yes.
also, am i really an actress? i must be damn good. i've fooled everyone that thinks they know me into thinking i actually enjoy going to karaoke nights and sitting there nodding my head drinking whatever's on special and thinking about how i'd really rather be home in front of my tv eating or cuddling with my cat.
guess i'm a homebody at heart.
shit, what do i look for when i go out, anyway? someone to take home? wait, i can't, i still live with my PARENTS.
i can't take anyone home anyway, not for a while. i have so many bodily issues to sort out i can't involve anyone else in them. and any significant other will KNOW what i deal with. at this rate, i guess i'm feeling the way i do because my illnesses and insecurities have grown to a level that surpasses me as a personality. they have BECOME my personality. i am reserved, a shy smile and a duck of the head for a reason and no i do not want to talk about it so stop asking.
i basically feel unsafe.
and so terribly sad, because i haven't looked into school at all. and that was supposed to be my fall back. so i didn't have to work a retail low-paying job i hated for another year.
i should have tried harder. well, there's always tomorrow. and i knew this would happen. i knew i'd have to hit a rock bottom somehow in order to take advantage of what i need to: an opportunity for further education. i'm thinking big here. like, med school big.
who knows, that might eat me alive, too.
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i've detached, yet at the same time, become so much more sensitive than i have been lately.
i should mention i'm on birth control pills again for the first time in a year. that may be what i'm feeling here, folks.